As We Gather
Consider:
As the landscape of a family grows and evolves, so too should our expectations for how we gather.
We Are Family
Our family (Chris and mine) was established on April 13, 1996, when Chris and I said “I do” in front of all our family and friends. That moment altered and grew the landscapes of the families we each originated from. My name was added to Chris’s family tree, and his name was added to mine, and this meant change. Change in how we gather, where we gather, and when we gather.
Chris and I grew up together—in fact, at age 12, I told my mother I was going to marry him! Although we did not date until many years later, getting to know one another’s families before we were married was not a huge leap for us. But our union did change things for our families. At the time, I was not as aware of the changes as I am now with adult children of my own. In retrospect, I’d have to say I was very naturally wrapped up in starting a new life with my husband and not too concerned about how this would change things for our parents and other family members. Of course, that is how perspective works, and this post is all about embracing the evolution of your family.
Maintenance Plan
Like a physical landscape, a family requires maintenance. A landscaper begins with plans, knowing what grows where and under what conditions, and parents face the same task. Parents are the initial tenders of the landscape, sowing seeds of wisdom and hoping most of it takes root. As a resident groundskeeper of our family landscape, the seed I hope to see flourishing in myself and my offspring is consideration. I don’t just mean being considerate of others; I mean considering what is in front of you and how you are, or are not, contributing to it. This leads me to share “Coming Home,” a document I sent my husband and four children in November of 2023, a few weeks before we gathered for Thanksgiving. Our household expectations had not changed, but when children taste freedom and independence while they are away from home at college, revisiting and reframing those expectations is necessary.
“Coming Home”
These days, we gather as five independent adults and a teenager. Be mindful that we each have our own ways of doing things and our own ways of thinking. The dynamic of our household has evolved over the years, and although the house is the same, the way we live and interact in it and with each other needs some clarity.
Some perspective:
The new normal for Mom, Dad, and Stephen centers on the routines of three people, one of them being a young teenager. For Grace, Claire, and Sarah, the new normal is living according to their own schedules and habits. Now put us all together under one roof again, and there is bound to be some adjusting to be done.
Since we are gathering in the day-to-day living space of Mom, Dad, and Stephen, our routines and household expectations need to be taken into account. Some things to consider:
Be considerate: Think about how you contribute to the flow of the household.
Do you plan ahead and let everyone know when you need a car/ride, quiet office space, or the shower?
Do you help with grocery lists, shopping, meal prep, and meal clean-up?
Do you keep your things in order and contained so your things don’t get in the way, moved, or misplaced?
Do you respect time, being timely, efficient, and aware?
Be pleasant: Think about how you contribute to conversations.
Do you offer opportunities for pleasant interactions, or do you stir the pot?
Do you keep things generally light or intentionally bring up hot topics?
Do you stop yourself and regain composure or go for the jugular?
Do you allow others space to hold the floor or chime in on everything?
Be thoughtful: Think about how you contribute to family values and living.
Do you engage in activities, while at home, that are family-friendly?
Do you place others in uncomfortable situations that could be avoided?
Do you appreciate that we are all at different phases of life and have different life experiences?
Do you try to approach conflict with an open mind and open heart?
In the years ahead, our family will continue to evolve and grow. Coming home and living at home as we age is not a return to how we lived when we were younger, different people. Instead, it is a chance to reconnect and get to know new aspects of who we have become, being mindful not to pigeonhole one another into a place where we are not allowed to change or spread our wings.
Growing Together
Landscapes change with the seasons, and as a family, we try to strike a balance between knowing when to do some light pruning and when to rest and grow. Sometimes we need to keep one another accountable and in check, and other times we need to give one another space to grow and figure things out. We are six individuals who share DNA, but we don’t always see eye to eye, and we don’t have to. We can exist and grow alongside one another without cutting one another down.
Coming together in the years ahead will be unpredictable and exciting! Branches will be added to our family tree, and new people and experiences will alter the landscape of what we are used to. I like a change of scenery, so I look forward to these changes.
In closing, I think of the saying, “The more things change, the more they stay the same.” How can it be that almost 30 years of marriage have passed, and now Chris and I are the parents whose children are leaving the nest to put down their own roots, which will change how we gather, where we gather, and when we gather.
The cycle of life has not changed—it’s just that our roles in it have changed. I hope to be old and gray, with lots of family coming together in one another’s houses, understanding that when we gather, we can bring our luggage, but not our baggage. We should check our baggage at the front door and enjoy the people who are inside.